I am normally one for reading blogs, but this one is funny.
www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

It only took 3 very nonproductive days of work but I read this whole thread. All 80 pages. There's some great stuff in here.

nteresting Ideas...

-- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
-- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
-- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
-- They told me I was gullible... And I believed them.
-- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
-- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
-- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
-- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
-- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-- How can there be self-help "groups"?
-- Is there another word for synonym?
-- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
-- The speed of time is one-second per second.
-- Is it possible to be totally partial?
-- What's another word for thesaurus?
-- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies! )

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead...

20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter don't mind.
And the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

LQQKING

POINTS TO PONDER

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MsWord and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night - more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The
doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The
next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said
"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear"

One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached
the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr.
Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.


The following day, the same man approached the White
House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said
yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides
here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White
House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you
have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr.
Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I
understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you tomorrow, Sir."